Wednesday, August 3, 2011

"Opposite Of Adults" - Chiddy Bang

A few nights ago, Peanut and I found ourselves outside in 107* [but overcast - which we Arizona people LOVE]. We were "peppering". Passing the volleyball back and forth. I am loving all the progress she is making. She asked that I hit a few balls at her so she can get used to balls coming more quickly at her. [not always the lobbing back and forth].

Sadly. My "take no prisoners" mantra managed to sneak it's way into playing with my daughter. She was rocking it. So I hit harder and harder and harder . . . . until I pegged her in the chest-ish region.

She. wasn't. so. impressed.

Me: You ok? [laugh, laugh] Try to get a hand on it. Anything - so someone can play it off you.
Peanut: [looking not impressed] Mom you just creamed me.
Me: Sorry kid. [then I went on you get better...these things's okay . . .]
Peanut: [pause] I think you and I both know NO ONE I'll be playing in the next two years will ever hit anything like that at me.
Me: [feeling slightly proud , joke, joke] okay, your right. But when they do -- you're all freaking over it!

Peanut: [eyes getting big and red comes the tears]
Me: sweetheart, I am so sorry. I thought you were having fun [prior to the smack down]
Peanut: I am Mom. This isn't about how I can't breathe. [yep, her words]
Me: huh, what?

Then she let it all - ALL - out.

You see [as you may very well know] . . . I am reactive.
Peanut: 7 out of 10 times . . . .not so much.

She hears a lot. [like me on the phone or talking to other "adults"]
She internalizes even more.
She thinks she has to be strong - all the time.

T u r n s o u t . . . . a larger than smaller telephone "conversation" was over heard by her when - - I had thought she was outside. [This was almost a month ago! And just now she tells me.] She did not get this skill from me.

Sitting there in the 107* grass with her, hugging her, answering her questions [trying to any way] . . . . . reminded me of why I love being a "Mom".

The intensity of the love I feel for her. The way I hurt when she hurts. The tangible bond we share. The losses we go through together. The surprises we encounter [love surprises]. The joys we celebrate together. The horrible dance moves we share. ;) The ability to love more - then more - then --- somehow ---- even more.

She still wants to talk to me. Listen to me. Cook with me. Dance with me. Read by me. Sit by me.

And I freaking love it.
Because I want to do the same.

Life is bumpy, twisty, confusing & full of air-pockets.

This day was no exception. But it was one of the best days in my life.

We packed it in. Walked inside. Both with tears streaming down our crusty, sweaty faces. She walks down the hall and . . . . I'm overcome.

By her non-childlike behavior. Her intensity. Her beauty. Her candor. Her talents. By her heart.

As a young mom [and young wife] I used to think that struggles equalled a failure to some extent. But now I realize more and more each day that these struggles bring us together in a way a "perfect" life - never could.

To heck with looking like the "Jones's". Being "Patty Perfect" , "Church-going Cathy" or "Homemaker Helen" .

My need, my want?
To continue on with my family, my girl - - - by MY side - - - for. FREAKING. ever.


Doesn't really matter.

What does matter?

That we keep moving ahead with our "seat belts" fastened.
Because life ----

--- it's a freaking awesome, wild ride.

[and guess what? we've. freaking. got. this.]


Matty O said...

woah, i totally missed WHY the tears. Oh well, guess its a girl thing or something ;)

How's the achilles?

Haley @ Climb Run Lift Mom said...

Love those moments!

Anonymous said...

So, you hit like a teeny bopper. Yup, you are so blocked.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful. ALMOST makes me want kids.

Then again maybe not.

I'll stick with the stories of others ;-)

misszippy said...

Totally get it. And hate that it goes SO fast!

Marlene said...

Glad you had a special mom-daughter moment. There is nothing like that in the world!

Unknown said...

:) Love this!

Kelly Leigh said...

"I used to think that struggles equalled a failure to some extent. But now I realize more and more each day that these struggles bring us together in a way a "perfect" life - never could."

This is a FREAKING fabulous quote! <3 it. And yeah u make having babies sound not so bad!

Anonymous said...

We blink... these moments are distant memories.. sniff, sniff

Unknown said...

You have a wonderful relationship with Peanut. Inspiring. I also have to say that I love how you can share a story without really giving the details and respecting her boundaries.

Molly said...

I was bugging out the other day, because my baby is starting kindergarten in a few weeks. ugh, I just want to keep my little buddy home with me. My husband told me that he's taking the first day of school off, so that after the kids get on the bus, we can cry together. : )

Laurie said...

Oh, so sweet. You're such a great mom... super slam spike and all. :)

Caratunk Girl said...

I don't know what it is, but I love the picture in my head of the volleyball play between mom and daughter...Right down to you creaming her (her words, right?) She is a gem. I freaking LOVE her. And YOU too, cause so much of YOU is in HER!! So good that she opened up, big hugs to you both!

Hope the healing is going well.

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